Sunday 3 November 2013

The Storm Before the Calm

Only 6 short weeks and 1 day ago, I was enjoying a good night's rest when I awoke at 6:00 AM to realize that I was in fact, not going to be pregnant forever and, there was a good chance I was going to be meeting my baby that same day. I headed downstairs to find a distraction from the pain. Organizing my pantry seemed like the best idea.

Around 7:30, my husband came downstairs. He looked at me and then the newly organized pantry and then back at me and suspiciously asked, "What are you doing?"

"Organizing the pantry." (Obviously. What else is there to do early on a Saturday morning when one is in labor?)

"Why?"

"Because I needed a distraction."

Then I started breathing through a contraction and simultaneously, a look of alarm went off in his eyes.

"So I should probably cancel my tee time?"

"Well, if this labor is faster than the first, you might still make it."

Within a couple of minutes, I was on the phone with the midwife and he was quickly cleaning the bathroom (the final pre-baby task).

The promised result of pushing
through the pain
There came a point when the contractions hit an intensity that cured my amnesia from the pain of my first delivery. I was thinking to myself, Oh my... I remember now. How am I going to get through this? As the memories of the pain that was on the horizon came flooding back, I paused and prayed, Oh God, please get me through what is coming. Thank you that you will.

Labor is the most physically painful thing I have ever experienced. I recall this one contraction that hit. I just started screaming and felt like smashing things Hulk style. It just felt right and there weren't many other options for expressing myself at that moment.

Our 9lb bundle of joy 
Then one of the midwives said, "Try not to scream" to which I chose to follow the, "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" rule. She continued. "If you scream, you won't have a voice to talk to your baby tomorrow and you're actually just wasting your energy. Instead try to bear down and use that energy to push."

I figured since it was only my second time, and she had been down this road a few more times than that, my best bet was to follow her advice. I also didn't want the whole lovely experience to last any longer than necessary. The next thing I remember is her saying, "Here's your baby." The pain that I thought would never end ended and I looked down to see my reward.

Beth Moore defined dread as assuming we won't have the grace we need for the moment. That morning I had a few moments of dread when the intensity of my pain increased before it quickly dawned on me that the increasing pain meant I was going to meet my baby soon. It wasn't going to last forever and there would be the most worthwhile "push present" ever.

The words of the midwife lingered in my mind for a while after. "You're just wasting your energy... instead... use it..." The reality dawned on me that screaming or choosing to "waste" my energy wouldn't shorten the painful process I was experiencing. Unfortunately, it would in fact lengthen it. It would be like floundering in the water when you know how to swim and have been told the finish line is close by. She was giving me instructions because she knew there was a better way.

There are alternatives to dread and  floundering I want you to consider and remember.
One happy big sister

Instead of dread, stretch forward. In faith, thank Him ahead of time for what He has promised to provide. After my dad passed away,  I remember dreading the holidays when the family would gather. I feared the giant void that would be there. However, I also remember saying, God, I trust that you will see us through. And He did. As I'm often still tempted to dread certain things or situations, I know God to be faithful and his different gifts of grace to be exactly what each challenge requires.

What are you tempted to dread today? It may not be pain, but maybe it's a finances, a relationship or lack of, or a difficult situation where you have already assumed you won't have what you need. Stretch forward in faith instead. This is Jesus we're talking about. He overcame DEATH. He can handle our present challenges!

Instead of floundering, push through. Take the advice of the One who knows a better way. We weren't made to or left to just flounder in the challenges of this life. God knows what we need. The existence of whatever challenges you face is not contingent on you choosing to trust and obey. The ability to get through in one piece is.
Getting acquainted

There is actually one thing I remember the midwife saying between the "stop screaming" and "here's your baby." She said, you can either wait for the next contraction or give another big push. The choice seemed obvious. I just remember yelling, "No, now!" Why anyone would want to wait for another minute of never-ending agonizing pain was beyond me.

I'm sure you would feel the same. Don't dread. Don't flounder. There's a better way. Grab onto th
e promises of God, stretch forward, and push through.

When you come face to face with your faith becoming sight, there is great joy!

My handsome little man. 7 days later the amnesia has
almost settled back in













Saturday 17 August 2013

The Greatest Gift

Today marks the 4 year anniversary of my dad's passing. Even though we remember him in a special way on this day, there's not a day that goes by where I don't think about him. He continues to impact my life in countless ways. As I reflect on what he left behind, there is always one thing that comes to mind- the great gift for which I am most thankful. 

I have only a few of possessions from my dad. A ring, annual pajamas, an obsolete discman I can't bring myself to get rid of, and an old spiritual journal of his that I cherish. I have few things I inherited from him- my love of basketball and my stubbornness, I'm sure among many other things. 

In the midst of all of those little "gifts," the one for which I'm most thankful is the fact that He always pointed me to the One who would always be there. 

I remember as a teenager, seeking out his advice. It always began with, "The Bible says..." Or, "Turn to...." Of course, I always sighed, probably disgruntled because I was usually looking for a quicker fix or his opinion but I rarely found it. He was always showing me the One who would always be there. I can't even pinpoint any times where he gave me his own personal advice on a matter, with the exception, of course, of the basketball court in which he was more than willing to lavish his expertise on me at any time!

He was an amazing dad and because of that, he was always needed and now, is consequently missed. 

But the One to whom he always pointed is still here. I can imagine he probably counted on being around longer than 61 years, but in that time, never missed an opportunity to point me toward Jesus Christ. 

In his absence is still God's presence, and because of that, I still have what I need. 

Now I'm both a child and a parent. As I ponder the task of trying to do the same for my own children, I of course desire to be the best mom I can be and do everything I can for their well-being. In the midst of that, I must remember that there is only one guarantee for them in this life, and it's not me. 

I must continually point those around me to Christ. I am, like my dad, a limited human being operating on the grace of God for a temporary amount of time. Life here is so short in the grand scheme of things. Those around me don't most need me. 

They most need and must depend on the Only One who can and will always be there, who has the answer to everything and knows what the future holds. He is our only guarantee. 

I'm thankful everyday for my wonderful dad and the time we had. I've extremely thankful that He taught me to look to God, who would be around even after he was not.   

Romans 8:38-39

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Friday 2 August 2013

Learning to Walk

There have been countless moments of joy over the past year, watching my little girl transform from a newborn baby to a hilarious, personality filled, and toddling little sponge. One of the great privileges of being her mom has been watching her learn how to walk.

Who knew that so much could
change so quickly?
It’s amazing to think that in a just a short year, she’s gone from laying around sleeping, to rolling over, to sitting, to pulling herself up, to standing, to walking along furniture, to walking finally walking on her own. The year passed so quickly that it’s difficult to pinpoint when exactly change happened. I know for certain that I marvel at how far she’s come and how quickly she’s learned.

When she first showed an interest in standing, we thought for sure she’d skip crawling and go straight to walking. She loved to be on her feet, but she fooled us a bit. It ended up being quite a bit longer between when she looked as though she was ready, and when she truly was ready to take those first steps on her own. She spent a few months just standing, tightly gripping whatever would help her keep her balance as she was taking in the world from this new perspective. She would go back and forth between crawling, as if she felt it were the safer option than to risk falling.

I can just imagine her thinking, the
view from up here is way better!
As you well know, when a baby is learning to walk, isn’t without its share of stumbles. When Sophie took her first steps, she was very unstable. She would often rock from side to side and then often lose her balance in slow motion. She wasn’t a very graceful faller either as she often resembled a towering tree rather than a tumbling toddler. It was some time before she even learned to fall “properly” as in realized her knees could actually bend and her hands out to shield her head and face from taking the brunt of the fall.

I knew learning to walk was going to be a bit of a process, and of course, there was going to be some days of bad tumbles alongside the days of small victories. I can remember a few particularly bad falls. Many of them were followed by piercing screams of pain and a few days of sporting a nice bruise, scab or road rash somewhere on her face.  

As her mom, I knew that falling was a painful yet inevitable part of the journey of looking to walk. My hope was that the small tumbles didn’t cause any permanent damage and of course, didn't discourage her from getting back up and trying again. Each time she took a little tumble, her dad or I would lift her back to her feet, shorten the distance that needed to be traveled and encourage her like crazy to try again.

The day my friend said, I
would call that walking!
(Not that you can tell
from this picture!)
It’s funny that how a baby learns to walk is quite different than how we teach “grown-ups.”  I didn’t sit down with Sophie and explain to her the biomechanics of taking a right step, a left and then how to put them together while also considering the equilibrium of balancing and centre of gravity. I didn’t expect her to understand and implement those ridiculous and non-existent instructions immediately. She wasn’t going to fully understand the process before starting out. I simply watched for signs that she was ready, and then cheered her on as she braved the next step.

It’s easy for those who’ve been on a walk with God for a while to forget the challenges that accompany someone who is just learning. As you mature, walking becomes very natural and on an ordinary day, is not something that is likely to cause you to stumble.

We don’t remember what it was like to be 1 and how it felt to discover only by experience, the uneven ground that will easily trip you up, the center of gravity that is required to stay between your feet, or the difficulty of the simple task of putting one foot in front of the other.

Still hanging on, but not
willing to take a seat in
order to have a drink!
How foolish it would’ve been if Sophie’s stumbles were met with a lecture or a scolding about how she should have gotten it by now, or how it really wasn’t that complicated to walk, she should just do it. That approach wouldn’t help her get back on her feet and learn to do it any faster. Unfortunately, that can be the approach we take without realizing it when we're dealing with spiritual walking. 

My priority was that no matter how many times it took, that she would get back up and continue trying and making progress until she got it.

As I watched my precious girl learn to take her first steps, God was teaching me something about how He has called me to walk with those who are learning, whether they’re learning to walk by faith, walk in freedom, or walk alongside someone else. No matter what kind of walk, God desires to meet the various challenges with His unchanging truth coated in grace.

Walking. It sounds simple right? I'll let you in on a little not-so-rocket-science secret. Much of it has to do with keeping your eyes on the prize. 

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith..." (Hebrews 12:2)

I’m feeling like this may be the start of some sort of “series” but I don’t know how many parts it will have or how long between posts. I do know that God has changed the way that I walk over the past year and has given me a desire to share it. I tried to sit down and outline how many parts and titles, and then a couple of weeks had passed. I thought, I should just take my own advice and just make a little imperfect progress as I try to follow His lead.  

Friday 12 July 2013

How Much Longer?

Last April, Mike and I participated in Step Out for Lupus where they offered a choice between a 5k run and a 3k walk. As I was aiming to prepare for the 8k ALS Run only 6 few weeks after, I decided this would be a good stepping stone and motivator, and of course for great cause and in support of a friend.

Nike has come up with this fantastic invention that magically communicates between your shoes and your iPhone, allowing you to track your distance, time and speed. Anytime you want to know where you’re at, you can just hit the home button, and it will immediately give you a mini progress report. With that information you can keep on, speed up, or slow down depending on your goal. I didn’t have this fabulous contraption on me that day. I had figured that the course would be marked out.

Being 18 weeks pregnant, I wasn’t trying to break any records, just get it done, preferably without walking or collapsing. I started off slow in order to pace myself and make sure I didn’t run out of gas before the end. As I was running, I started looking for signs so I could give myself a much needed pep talk about how far I’d come and how I was almost to the finish.

I kept running. No signs. Just more path. I approached someone who resembled the closest thing to an official race person. They were holding an arrow telling me that I was, at the very least, heading in the right direction. As I approached, I breathlessly asked, “Do you know how much longer?” They looked confused which confused me. Simple question, right? They shrugged and said, “You’re on the 5k route!” Thanks tips. 

Never mind, I’ll ask the next person. I continued running.

Not too long after, I saw another person holding an arrow, again telling me to keep going in the same general direction.

“Do you know how much longer?”

“You’re on the 5k route!” Shrug. Smile.

Wow, thanks. Does no one here know what’s going on?

By this point, our friend Dan had caught up to me. His goal was to “at least” keep up to the pregnant lady and that he did. We were getting a little weary and were trying to guesstimate how much longer. I knew that this day was probably particularly difficult for him so my focus shifted from my own fatigue to making sure he didn’t give into his.  

I managed to huff and puff a few words. You’re doing great. Hang in there. She’d be so proud of you right now. You can do this.

As we were both growing increasingly weary, unsure of how much of the journey was behind us, and how much we still had left, we continued to pace ourselves, slow and steady. We had just crossed the second bridge when I looked up and was surprised to see what looked like the finish line.

There was no containing my excitement. With the new knowledge that we were just about there, I picked up speed and challenged him to do the same. The realization that we were so close to the end gave me the extra surge I needed to finish well. We crossed the finish line and I couldn’t help but think, if only I’d know we were so close, maybe I could’ve run a little faster!

A couple of weeks after the run, I was feeling particularly tired. You may have experienced something similar. Not the tired that can be corrected with a night of good sleep but a weariness of the soul. I found myself asking God, how much longer?

This season of my life has brought more challenges that don’t seem to have a finish line in sight. I’m a doer. I like to have a start and a finish. But instead there are only arrows telling me to continue on this same path.

I found myself lying on the couch one Friday night having a very intense cry as the reality of the “marathon” likeness of life sunk in. When you’re used to a series of short distances, a marathon can be daunting. Parenting (though I absolutely adore it) has no real finish line. Each day has a start and a finish but I don’t get to check it off my to-do list. It’s going to a wonderful but long haul. A few friends of mine were facing some very intense hardships without a finish line in sight. Real life. Sometimes we can bear down and endure when we know we’re just about to the finish.  But what about when you’re growing weary and there's no end in sight?

I was suddenly very aware that I’d been trying to run on my own very limited and easily worn out strength. I’d been relying on my “reserves” and not going to the well of living water each day to get my fill. In trying to be a teacher, I’d forgotten to be a student. In trying to make sure everyone around me was getting what they needed, I’d forgotten to stay still long enough to let God nourish my soul. I was in the middle of a race, out of gas, and the finish line was no where in sight.

In the days and weeks that followed, God reminded me of His solution from Isaiah 40:28-32:

Do you not know?
    Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
    the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
    and his understanding no one can fathom.
29 He gives strength to the weary
    and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
    and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the Lord
    will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
    they will run and not grow weary,
    they will walk and not be faint.

I felt like he was saying, I know you’re tired, but you need to know that I’m not. I don’t get tired or weary and I will give you MY strength. If you hope in me, I will renew your strength so you can not just walk, but run and soar without becoming faint.

I thought back to the run I had recently completed. As per His usual, God was piecing together a nice lesson for me through these events.

1.       We need people to run alongside, but we also need those to run alongside us. It might sound the same but it’s not. I was growing tired in that race, but as soon as Dan came alongside me, my focus shifted from my tired legs to being a cheerleader. It didn't change the task that lay before me in the slightest but as I started to encourage him and think about what a challenge that day must have been for him, my course seemed to pale in comparison. God places people in our lives to pour into and walk alongside but it doesn't exempt us from needing someone to do the same for us. My pastor was preaching around the same time about making sure that you have those in your life that you’re pouring into, but also those who are pouring into you. Of course, God is the ultimate cup filler, but if you don’t have anyone who’s pouring into you- spiritually and emotionally, ask Him to send someone!  

2.       He has marked out my race and He has and IS what I need for the journey. He’s never surprised by what life brings my way. After all, He brings it my way! He knows what’s ahead, what I will need and how I might be tempted to get off course. In some seasons he gives me constant feedback, like my lovely Nike app, but in other seasons, He may choose to be quiet, possibly to exercise my faith. When I ask how much longer, He gives me is a little arrow which tells me keep going in this general direction and reminds me to make regular pit stops at His bottomless fueling station. I don't need to be able to see the finish line in order to run the race well. I just need Him. He has strength and understanding that will not run out, no matter how long the journey, that He is ready and willing to give it to me. Why not go?

3.       Running on my own strength always ends the same way. This one definitely isn't rocket science but for some reason, I keep having to learn it over and over again. I so badly want to run with perseverance the race marked out for me but I cannot do it on my own. But I suppose that’s the whole message of the gospel. I never can on my own. That’s why I need Jesus. In His death and resurrection He has provided for my every need. I’m continually made aware that I can’t. He can. I’m not. He is. I run out. He is always enough. I am weak. He is strong.

Weariness is something we all experience but there’s a couple of ways we deal with it. Sometimes we find a temporary fix, wallpaper it over and move on, never truly finding rest for our soul. There’s a much better alternative. Cry out to Jesus first. It is the only place you will truly find rest for your soul. That night during my uncontrollable cry, my poor hubby was trying to figure out what was wrong. I tried to explain that I wasn't even entirely sure yet! He offered to cancel his plans and stay home but as tempted as I was to take him up on that offer, I knew that what I first needed was a filling of the presence of God. Nothing else would truly satisfy my soul, but of course, I welcomed a hug!

Confess your need for Jesus. Believe that renewed strength comes from placing your hope in the Lord. Believe that He gives strength to the weak. Believe and trust that no matter how long or difficult the journey is that you’re on, He has the ability to make you soar.

Matthew 11:28-30

28 ‘Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.’

Hebrews 12:1-2

“Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith. 

Monday 8 July 2013

Just Make Progress

Earlier tonight, I had the privilege of hearing a church planter share the exciting things that God is doing through his church. He talking about how frequency is important with getting the word out when he went and used a blogging analogy which immediately made me hide my face."It's like blogging. You can't just blog once in a while. It's all about frequency. Otherwise, what happens?" 

Immediately a few people in the room (who happen to be related to me) simultaneously cast knowing glances in my direction as I hid behind my paper, and thought, I know the answer to this one. They stop reading! 

Later on this evening I was folding laundry and feeling guilty about my lack of blogging frequency. I was thinking, I really need to sit down and finish those three blog posts I started a month ago when God tapped me on the shoulder as He usually does when I'm swimming in a sea of excuses.

I have a confession. When I fail to blog, it's usually I get stuck in a little rut of perfectionism. I used to just sit down and write the first thing that came to mind. Then I'd hit publish. That's what blogging's supposed to be right? Just get your thoughts out there informally. 

But a funny thing happened when a few people told me they actually read my rambling. I returned to the writing process of grade 9 language arts. Outline.. rough draft... edit... second draft... find pictures... reread... reread... edit... shorten... get to the point. That all has to happen before I can hit publish. Unfortunately, that process often takes an unnecessary amount of time and kind of defeats the purpose of blogging. 

In the meantime, God has continued to lay things on my heart to write about but they're getting backlogged in the unnecessary process of perfectionism, (and maybe a tad of everyday life!) 

As I stood there folding, I could feel Him saying, just make progress. I will make it perfect. I was reminded of a quote I read a while back out of "Unglued," by Lysa TerKeurst. She writes:

"What kept me from making changes was the feeling that I wouldn't do it perfectly. I knew I'd still mess up and the changes wouldn't come instantly. Sometimes we girls think if we don't make instant progress, then change isn't coming. But that's not so, there is a beautiful reality called 'imperfect progress.'... Imperfect changes are slow steps of progress wrapped in grace... So, I dared to write this in my journal: 

Progress. Just make progress. It's okay to have setbacks and the need for do-overs. It's okay to draw the line in the sand and start over again- and again. Just make sure you're moving the line forward. Move forward. Take baby steps but at least take steps that keep you from being stuck. Then change will come. And it will be good."

Here's the thing. There are lots of different things God has called each us to do. Sometime's we're a bit like Noah (God said, Noah did) and other times we are a bit more like Jonah (God said, Jonah didn't) but we have less obvious names for it. We call it busy, bad timing, imperfect or there's someone who can do it better rather than plain disobedience.

The reality is, whatever God calls you and I to do, He equips us for. He has a solution for each one of my excuses, but often we fail to believe Him. 

So I must ask- what thing are you putting off because you can't do it perfectly? Maybe it's a simple task, a relationship or a change you know you need to make in your life. I would be willing to bet that today God wants to give you enough to at least take a step forward, even if it's just a baby step. 

I so badly want to be a Noah. God said, she did. But if I'm being honest, it's a bit more like this: God said, she didn't. God said, she waited. God said, Stephanie saw something shiny... 

Change is important to me. Becoming more like Jesus is important to me. But sometimes I get discouraged because I want changes to happen at the same speed my iPhone charges at when it's out of battery. And it never does. It takes many steps of imperfect profess strung together.

Tonight, faced with the reality of my imperfect-ness, I just need to pray and say, God, forgive me for my excuses. Help me to make a little imperfect progress. Give me the faith to believe you're enough for whatever I lack and whatever you have laid before me.

I would invite you to do the same. Take a moment and pray. I would be willing to bet that He is ready and willing meet you where you're at, and to equip you for whatever He's put in your path next. 

Sunday 2 June 2013

Living Forward: Setting Up Camp (Part 5 of 5)

Some time has passed so let me quickly refresh you on part 1-4 of Living Forward. We are constantly faced with the choice between dwelling on the past and pressing on in the present. There are often mistakes, sins and stumbles as well as uncontrollable circumstances in our lives that tempt us to dwell and rehash the unchangeable past rather than keeping a forward perspective and asking God, what now? I shared with you a few stories of some forward live-ers I am blessed to know who are living proof that His presence in the present is enough. He is in the "is" not the if.  He guarantees to provide what we need if only we will come. The call to live forward is the call to live by faith and trust that He is enough. 

You may have been inspired by the lives of these individuals or at some point, perhaps someone you’ve come across on your own path. You may have been challenged. Their stories tug at our heartstrings but I believe God wants to give us so much more than a brief moment of hope. Temptation beckons us to settle for the momentary inspiration but miss out on the invitation to let the truth that connects their stories invade your heart and become a reality in your own life.


I would like to challenge you to ask God these two questions: What do these people who seem to not just survive, but thrive in the storms of life all have in common? Will you take me to that same place, where experiencing your presence in the present becomes the reality of my day to day living despite what kind of season I may find myself in?
Getting ready to leave the first world
After my dad’s diagnosis in May 2008, our family was blessed with a trip to the Philippines by a very generous friend. It was quite an experience for me, having never left the comforts of first world before. I was excited to see pieces of history from both my dad’s life and Mike’s, as well as spend some concentrated time with the whole family. Those times were precious given that we suddenly had a heightened awareness that our days together were numbered. I was thrilled to journey outside of North America but I must confess I was a little nervous as both the men in my life warned me of the potential “discomforts” and teased me about not lasting a day.
We spent 3 weeks in the beautiful Philippines. We spent many of the days traveling around, seeing many sights including beauty and poverty. We shopped and tried bargaining in the market. My attempts at speaking tagalog were laughed at by the locals. We felt the sweltering heat and humidity. We all felt the rumbling in our stomachs of things we ate that didn’t quite agree with our insides. Air conditioning was a rare but welcome jewel during the day unless we were in the vans.  
The bathroom by day
As much as we got to experience the atmosphere of the outdoor Philippines by day, Mike teased me that it wasn’t a “true” experience because no matter what each day brought- heat, indigestion, sweat and thirst- without fail, we would return each night to the comfort of our hotel with air-conditioning, cold bottled water to drink, hot running water to shower under, comfortable beds to sleep in and flushable toilets with toilet seats to sit on AND, bonus… toilet paper. I didn’t realize the last two were luxuries until we arrived there!
Our dwelling place made all the difference in that experience. Without the refuge of the hotel, my memories of that trip would’ve been very different to recount. Though it was a wonderful family time of treasured memories, my overall impression of the Philippines would’ve been greatly influenced had I not found rest every evening.  
What God brought to light as He reminded me of this story was the idea of dwelling. To dwell means to remain, stay or set up home.
We all know difficulty from experience on some level. “Everyone, at some point or another will deal with pain and hardship. The question is not if a difficult time will come, but when. When it comes, how will you respond? (J.D. Greear, Presence). Where will you set up camp?
When my dad was diagnosed with ALS, God gave me such a longing to hear from Him. I'm the farthest thing from a morning person, but during that season, that desperation often had me up and out of bed before the sun. I remember one particular morning that He spoke to as loudly and clearly as ever from Psalm 91. From this passage, he gave me one of the foundational pieces for living forward in the storm:
“He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

As I`ve walked through a stormy season and watched others do the same, I`m convinced that this is one common thread that unites all those who choose to live forward and trust God’s presence in the present. Where you choose to dwell despite where you might `visit’ during the day determines what you will have to say about your storm and about the One who sometimes chooses to bring the rain.
The bathroom by night
God seems to desire to accomplish some of the sweetest work in our lives during stormy seasons, but sometimes get caught up in forgetting to forget the past and not dwell on the former things. We don’t take Him up on his promise of refuge. Our view is obstructed by things like caskets, voids and pain, and we forget to look up for the way out of the wilderness. Instead, we stand out exposed as the storm beats us up.
I spent a great deal of time “visiting” many questions and allowing the painful realizations to sink in. I remember waking up in the days after the diagnosis only to realize that it wasn’t a bad dream. The sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach would return as I realized that it was in fact reality, my dad was dying. I remember crying just thinking of what it would be like to visit home and not hear the sound of tools in the garage. I remember realizing that he was going to miss out on so much. Painful realizations. Ongoing challenges. Tough stuff.
What 10 minutes of basketball in
the heat and humidity looks like
But I knew if I set up camp there, hope would become something of the past instead of a continuing reality for the present and future.
In those painful moments, God would very quietly ask me, “Will you trust me?” Answering yes would not erase the pain or provide answers, but taking Him up on His offer would gently guide me back to the shelter of His love, faithfulness and promises.
I knew that saying no, whether or not the answer was intentional, was putting myself at risk. It meant dwelling on the “former” things and camping out in the wasteland. It would be like choosing to stand out in the sweltering heat and humidity of the Philippines, vulnerable to all of its effects, when all the while the refuge of the hotel was calling.  
Our first place of "refuge"
Sometimes we are tempted to camp out in the former things. The what if’s, why’s and if only’s. But the real shelter is only in His presence, the promises and the Word of the Most High. Anything else is counterfeit. The enemy would love for you to believe that you're somehow better off to keep him at arm`s length and try to navigate the storm by yourself, but it is a lie. It’s a cheap substitute for the real work God wants to accomplish in you. There is no rest, refuge or shelter to be experienced by standing out exposed. We can pitch a flimsy tent and barely survive the storm but it will beat you up. All the while the invitation to the shelter remains.
The storm will rage whether or not you and I chose to trust Him. But the continual invitation to faith leads down two very different roads. He’s always making a way, and doing a new thing, but trust me, it’s a lot easier to see from the Most High shelter. There you are promised to find rest, refuge, protection, His faithfulness, courage, and rescue. 
I leave you with the question: how will you respond when difficulty comes? Where will you set up camp? Don't wait for the storm to get to know the shelter. It's a lot easier to find your way there in the storm when you've gotten familiar with it in the calm. Get in the habit of making your dwelling place in His presence.
Continue to seek the Lord and ask Him to take you to the place where experiencing His presence in the present becomes the reality of your day to day living. I promise He wants to take you there today.

Tuesday 14 May 2013

My Mama: Forward Living for a Few Decades (Part 4 of now 5)


I changed my mind again. Here we are in part 4 of 5. I had already started writing part 4 of 4, and was ready to tie it up, but then last Sunday was Mother’s Day. I found myself thinking, how could I be writing about this subject and not mention my mother? Allow me to share with you why.

As God has been stirring in my heart about forward living, it got me thinking about the front row seat to forward living I’ve watched closely for my entire life. When I think of trusting God’s faithfulness, seeing the new thing He is doing, not dwelling and pressing on, I cannot help but think of my mom.

In case you’re new to my story, my dad was diagnosed with ALS (Lou Gehrig’s disease) in May of 2008. He was a healthy, active 60 year old, a godly father and husband, a loving Papa to two grandchildren at the time, a passionate basketball coach, a talented master mechanic, a fervent evangelist and caring pastor with a shepherding heart. The prognosis was 2-3 years, but the disease quickly took over every muscle in his body until he went to be with the Lord on August 17, 2009, only 15 short months after the diagnosis.

I blogged a lot about my dad and his life and journey during that time (you can see many posts at www.jessemoralesjourney.blogspot.ca) but as you can imagine, my mom’s life was drastically affected by the illness and most definitely in the aftermath of his death. She was his primary caregiver for those 15 months and had a front row seat to every change, every loss, and every challenge that the disease brought.

She continued to love him, she stayed true to her vows of “in sickness and in health” and patiently cared for him as they journeyed down that very difficult road.  Despite the difficulty, my mom has continued to walk faithfully and thankfully with God most definitely in a forward direction. She has been my ultimate example. She is what I hope to be when I grow up.    

As a child, I assumed my mom had always been the way she was- a godly, sweet, piano-playing, pastor’s wife who never says mean things about anyone. As I’ve gotten older and learned more of her journey with Jesus, her struggles and victories and many stories that evidence His redemptive power, I’ve grown in my appreciation toward her and my thankfulness to God.

In the last few months, I’ve had the privilege of walking with a few new believers. On separate occasions, they’ve both said to me, I just wish I’d been raised in a Christian home. That would make this life so much easier! While I know to count my blessings, I’ve also been able to encourage them by saying, God has to start somewhere in the family! He’s in the business of dramatic change. He changed my parents, He’s changed me and He can change you. From what I’ve heard, my mom would now be unrecognizable to those who knew her before coming to know Jesus. How’s that for living proof of a changed life? I have heard my mom say, I wish I had a different story, one with less painful decisions, but I’ve never seen her stop to dwell on the past long enough to keep her from the journey God has her on today. She says, my story is His story and whatever He chooses to do with it is fine with me.

Though I continue to be impressed with the work of God in her past, the thing that has and continues to resonate the most with me is how she continues to live forward through this leg of the journey without my dad by her side. His illness and death most definitely caught us all by surprise and left a giant void in each of our lives. But as much as I miss him and would give just about anything for him to be able to hold and play with Sophie, I can’t imagine what it must be like to live forward each day of your life without your partner and love of 25+ years.

I’ve seen her cry and struggle, I’ve seen her miss him and wish he was here, but I’ve never seen her allow the past to keep her from the present. She goes on by the strength that only God can provide and continues to do everything that God has called her to do with such grace. She continues to be a wonderful mother, grandmother, “pastor’s wife,” neighbor, friend and leader. When people ask me how she’s doing, I can honestly answer, as good as she possibly can be. She continues to press on and do exactly what God has called her to. I’ve had the privilege of hearing her share her story of how you can experience joy in the midst of pain, a few times over this last year, but more important I’ve watched her living it out.

Yes, there are still many tears. As I’ve mentioned before, forward living doesn’t exempt you from pain. There are many times we wish he was here, many moments to share as Papa and Grandma with adorable grandchildren that just make you ache at the thought of him missing and moments of his baby girl growing up, graduating high school and achieving goals in the basketball world that he would be SO proud of.

As the writer of Ecclesiastes said, there is a time to weep and mourn, but praise God, there is also a time to heal, laugh and dance. All of those times are in different legs of the journey, but are all part of living forward and pressing on with Jesus Christ.

I hope you have been encouraged, challenged and ministered to by these lives that evidence that living forward does not depend on favorable circumstances. The call to live forward is in the midst of pain, in the middle of the wilderness and in the blur of the unknown.

I believe that the call to live forward is also a call to live by faith. So many things in this life boil down to faith. Trust that He is enough for the mistakes of the past, the challenges of the present and the unknowns of the future. He is enough for your pain, your doubt, your weariness, and any other area of your life you feel short in. When we are weak, He is strong.

I promise I will finally wrap it up in part 5 with what I believe to a key ingredient to living forward no matter what sort of circumstance or stage of life you find yourself walking in.

In the meantime, will you take Him at His Word? Will you trust His presence in the present? Abundant life hangs in the balance.