I'm moving!

Exciting news..... I'm moving! 

Digitally. I have a nice new living room on the internet and I would love for you to be the first to visit. 

The name is changed and I think it's much prettier but it's still me- same truth, same rambling... Hopefully not the same sporatic time between blogs! I commit to not wait 17 months in between posts. I like to aim high. 

There is a follow up to last Thursday waiting for you to read. Head on over to my new home- everydaytruth.ca and I hope you enjoy and will stick around! From now on I'll be blogging over there. 

The Day She Refused to Obey

There are a few things in my life that have brought me to my knees in a particularly desperate way: my dad’s fatal diagnosis and battle with ALS, marriage and most recently, parenting toddlers.

Particularly the one that is a mini version of me.

Don’t get me wrong, I love her to pieces. She is incredibly bright, thoughtful, caring, spunky and kind. She also has an iron-clad stubborn, strong will that drives me to levels of crazy. We are currently working on the concept of cooperation (making it easy for mommy to do her job) which she is great at when she sees and understands a logical reason to be.  

Last Thursday was one of those days. We were at her local preschool sports class (session 4 of 6) waiting for the teacher to call them in. She got dressed in her new exercise pants, packed her gym shoes and water bottle in her backpack and seemed ready to roll.

The teacher opened the door and all the preschoolers except one excitedly ran in.

Enjoying the fun on the first day of class

I tried coaxing. I joined for a bit. I went in with her. I talked about what a fun time the kids were having. I asked what was wrong and why she was feeling shy. The teacher tried inviting her in multiple times. I pointed out that money had been paid for this class. There were only 3 more. I offered ice cream or a Timbit afterward.

Nothing. 

She stood beside me silently refusing to participate. For some unknown reason, she had made up her mind and nothing seemed to be changing it. 20 minutes of the 45 minute class ticked by. Good cop was failing.My compassion was quickly shifting to frustration. 

Then I switched gears. I calmly explained to her that I had asked her to play and she was choosing to disobey. I explained the consequences that would ensue if she continued to choose to disobey and we had to go home early. She listened and then looked me straight in the eye and said, “Okay, let’s go home,”

I tried to absorb my shock as I was forced to swallow my pride and exit the gym with my obstinate child, past all the other moms whose children were happily participating.

All I could think was, this wasn't supposed to go like this. Maybe the rewards didn't help but the consequences were supposed to deter you from this. 

Off we went back to the van, back across town and back home. I may have been a tad angry at the outcome but mostly pleading, Lord help me. Where is the manual when you need it? 

Fun on the first day!

Once home, she went straight to her room and complied with all of the consequences her choice had invited. I followed through on every one. 

When it was all said and done and she was lying in bed ready for her nap, I sat down next to her and asked, “How do you feel right now?”

Her reply was, “Sad.” 

I said, “Me too.”

I asked her, “Do you believe that mommy loves you and wants what is best for you? Do I want to keep you safe and healthy? Does mommy love to see you have fun?” She nodded yes to all of those things.

We talked about her class. I told her that she had missed out on a chance to have fun. I reminded her that she always enjoys herself and gets to exercise. She missed stretching like a pizza and getting her smiley sticker at the end. She missed playing with her friend and some of her favorite games. I told her that usually I take a picture of her having fun and send it to daddy so he can see her enjoying her class.

Today everyone missed out.

As a parent, I want to teach her to obey her dad and I (consistent with the command in Ephesians 6:1) so that one day she will obey God. I want her to trust us, our love for her, and that we have her best interests at heart so that one day she will trust God, His love, and that His desires for her are best. The alternative is to personally experience all of the painful consequences of sin. As a loving parent, I hope and pray that is not the case.

That day in particular, she didn’t follow my instructions. It wasn't only that she didn't obey me but she missed out on what was best. She experienced the natural and undesirable consequences of disobedience.

My hope and prayer is that as she experiences some of the smaller natural consequences of disobedience, she will grow in trust and desire to obey her dad and I, so that when it comes to the big things of much greater consequence, she will take our word for it. 

More importantly, I pray that when it comes to decisions of permanent consequence, she will be in the habit of taking God's word and using His standard to make her decisions.

That truth is often easy to miss. God is for us, He loves us and wants what is best. That is the motivation behind his commands. We can easily get caught up in thinking that what we want in the moment is best and completely miss the fact that He- the creator of everything, the One who understands how all things work, the one who loves us unceasingly, actually has a reason behind the things He commands. He knows how it ends up, and He wants what is best. 

I was putting her to bed that night and we talked about Ephesians 6:1 and how God wants children to obey their parents. He put parents in charge of kids to teach them and take care of them.

I asked if there was anything she wanted to tell God she was sorry for. This was her prayer:

“Dear God, please forgive me for disobeying you and not listening to my mommy. And help me to sleep in peace and joy-ness. Amen.”

I realized that something else happened. Her disobedience provided an opportunity to be convicted, to repent, and to experience forgiveness. She had an opportunity to see her need for Jesus, because like me, she doesn’t always obey, and often thinks she can do it on her own. 

I hope that she and I both continue to grow in our trust of God and His ways and in our dependence on Jesus.

As a parent you often wonder if you got it right or failed miserably. Tomorrow is Thursday again so I will know by 11:00 AM if the lesson stuck. And feel free to pray at 10:15 that it did when session #5 begins! 

The Choices We Make

When my husband and I were engaged, I distinctly remember him promising me that once we were married he would give me a massage every night before we went to sleep. I looked forward to this with blissful expectation.

Don't get me wrong, my hubby loves me, serves me and is far more wonderful to me than I deserve, but, as you probably guessed, that pre-wedding promise of every single night didn't make it out of the starting gates.

When I was thinking about marriage, my priority wasn't to find someone who made me the most promises. I knew my young self fairly well, and I knew the kind of character I was looking for in a man. We've been married just over 8 years (most of those happily) and we've been able to survive many of those less significant undelivered promises because of the greater picture.

This past spring I became as my husband would say obsessively interested in the provincial election. The massive change that took place was fascinating in itself but what I was particularly interested in was how people seemed to be coming to a decision.

While chatting with my favourite teacher friend and social studies expert, I asked her, when you're teaching high school students about politics, do you teach them to vote based on party, platform or person?

She said after convincing them to vote at all, they typically show them the political spectrum and have them determine where they fall on it with their personal beliefs. After they've determined their own political identity, they then introduce the parties and have them determine who they align with the most. From there they discuss platforms and more specifics.

Her personal response was, "I will always vote (insert party) because that is what I am. I am a (insert party-ist)."

As the provincial election was approaching, I myself was feeling a little overwhelmed by the differing platforms, Facebook posts and news stories.

I kept hearing "time for change" so I went on Vote Compass. I typed in my answers to fifteen or so questions about the platforms, and then the website told me who I should vote for, I was especially interested when the answer was a party that I would not have aligned myself with.

For the past provincial election, it seemed like platform was a popular way to vote. I had a few conversations with people who said something like, I voted based on what the parties said they would do for healthcare and education. When the results came back and the news started predicting what would happen with a now socialist government in power, it seemed like many were surprised. Afterall, Vote Compass never used the word socialist.

In the Mud and the Masterpeice, John Burke describes two models for decision making that we typically fall into. He claims we either make decisions based on identity or consequence.

The focus of identity based decision making is- this is who I am and what I believe to be true. In the given situation, what would someone with this identity do?

Consequence based decision making focuses on the possible outcomes. How could this end? What are the possible results? Are they positive or negative? How will they impact me?

I've heard on more than one occasion the statement, "politicians lie". So do people. (They are people after all.) While this may sound a tad harsh, the reality is complete election platforms are rarely delivered. We are all capable of communicating what we think people need to hear to get our desired result.

For the upcoming election, take the time to remember or determine your political identity. Which party best represents who you are and what you believe religiously, economically and politically? Consider what the party stands for and ask yourself, does who I am and what I believe in align with what the party fundamentally stands for? Vote based on the party, the platform and person.

I hope our next Prime Minister is voted in because of those reasons. Not because anyone was feeling mad at any one politician. Not because we voted out of spite. Not because we jumped on any bandwagon. Not because we picked a new favourite color for the week. Not because we heard a few promises that sounded good, but because we all looked closely at who we are, what we believe, what we stand for, and found the party that most accurately reflects all of those things.

I hope we find ourselves happily married (for most of the time) with the majors being upheld and delivered on.

I Don't Like This Road

There is a road we frequently travel on. It's the more direct way and less busy road into the city. It takes us to the ring road which is almost always guaranteed to be free of stop and go traffic. The drive offers a nice mountain view, sunsets at the right time of day and beautiful golden fields of canola at certain times of the year.

Not long ago, we were driving, and my toddler blurted out with some gusto, "I don't like this road! I only like Stoney Trail."

I glanced back in the rear view mirror a bit surprised. After all, how does a 3-year old even know what road we are on, let alone have an opinion about it?

I inquired, "Why don't you like this road?" 

Toddler logic proclaimed that Stoney Trail had more people on it, more houses to see and more cars to drive with. She couldn't quite specify what she disliked about the current road we were traveling on, but had her mind made up.

My reply was, "This road will take us where we need to go so we have to drive on it."

She made this declaration more than once, traveling this less preferred highway. I think it took a bit of convincing to realize there was no short cut to her road of choice and that it would in fact lead us straight to where she wanted to go.

I couldn't help but think there are some places we want to go in our lives and some end results that we desire. Better marriage. More intimacy. Less debt. More self-control. More joy. More authentic relationships. More God. Less selfishness. Less busyness. Greater contentment. Great kids.

Often when we are given directions to get there, (ie. God's Word and instruction to us), our response I want to get there but I would prefer if it were not this way. I don't like this road.

I told my little fireball that day, there are no shortcuts.

Lately, God has been impressing upon me this theme of walking in freedom and living abundantly. As I'm learning, there are no shortcuts, substitutions, or exemptions. He's given me a lot of instructions of how to get there, but I can't pick and choose what I'm going to follow if I want to get there. Obedience to the truth is the way.

I'll confess, I'm a bit of a quiet rebel. If I don't agree with or like something, I won't necessarily declare out loud (like my little one) I don't like this! I'll subconsciously exempt myself from it in thought, word or action.

This lovely paragraph hit me smack dab in the pride last night:

We often don't see our violation of God's principles as the way into the mess we are in, nor do we see obeying his principles as the way out. Adam and Eve overtly doubted God's rules and believed the serpent's temptation of, "Did God really say that?" and "Surely you will not die." We don't do that out loud. Our doubting is much more subtle, and subconscious, but deadly nevertheless. (Henry Cloud)

I'm not always aware of my own rebellion which makes it hard to admit. What I tend to see is, I'm just trying to find a different way. These shortcuts I'm tempted to take aren't new. In fact, they typically follow the same pattern as the original temptation. I'm just not adept at recognizing it when it happens.

Did God really say, wives respect your husbands? Surely it won't kill your marriage if you don't do it all the time. Only do it when you feel he is deserving. Surely nagging and disrespecting him is the way to provoke change and get what you want. It won't kill his spirit or cause your marriage to suffer.

Did God really say, do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouth but only what is useful for building others up that it may benefit those who listen. Surely it won't suffocate your relationships and tear down those you love if you give them a piece of your mind every once in a while.

Did God really say, be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other just as in Christ God forgave you? Surely your heart will be unaffected if you harbor unresolved anger, unforgiveness and bitterness towards those closest to you.

No matter how subconscious this process, it's still all a lie.

I can go about it buffet-style, applying what I want when I want, or I can realize that the truth applies to every situation and relationship. My toddlers. My husband. The people I work with. Adding a bit of humour doesn't exempt me. Having my feelings hurt doesn't exempt me. Feeling frustrated or justified doesn't exempt me.

Obedience to the truth is the road I must travel if I want the kind of relationships God intended for me, with Him and with others.

Stoney Trail, here we come

There are no shortcuts to the good life. Obedience to truth is the way to freedom and abundant life.

The relationships and circumstances that God calls you to are a necessary part of the process in bringing you back to life.

If you stick on the road less pleasing and less traveled for long enough, you may eventually find yourself on Stoney Trail.

*Would you believe that I stopped in the middle of the road, put my vehicle in park and took these photos? Hubby didn't either. Work in progress... 

Let's Get Uncomfortable.

I recently finished reading a book that made me increasingly uncomfortable with every page I turned. I highly recommend it. Seriously.

I've learned that part of this journey of stumbling toward maturity is learning to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. It's not a natural response. We want the quick release Advil and the path of least resistance. I may conquer my desire for quick fixes and instant solutions for my discomfort. 

The problem with that is that God, with His unyielding desire to make me more like Jesus, is not into band-aids and medicating wounds. He's in it for the long haul. He's into healing. The real kind. The kind of healing that leads you to wholeness.

"Unfortunately for most of us, nobody was there when we received our first wound. So we just carried it around with us, determined not to let it happen again. By adolescence, we all had wounded hearts.  Between the little jabs from friends, our parents, our teachers, our coaches, and our adversaries at school, there was no way to avoid it." 

(Andy Stanley, Enemies of the Heart) 

Enter the book, "Enemies of the Heart." Mr. Stanley kindly addresses the ugly yet often well-hidden realities that lie in the closet of our wounded hearts. Closet not the backyard clothesline. We can forget they are even there until we get poked or knocked over causing what's deep down to start spilling out everywhere. He explores four destructive emotions that we tend to harbor that have the power to infiltrate our lives and wreak havoc on our closest relationships. Guilt, anger, greed and jealousy. My initial thoughts were (as maybe yours are too) maybe a couple of those apply to me. I didn't realize I was in for a real honest treat, a quadruple dose of one to be exact. 

As I continued reading, God kept right on stirring my heart with his giant wooden spoon. This wasn't an overly pleasant experience. A lot of stuff was kicked up, most of which I didn't realize was there in the first place. There were a few weeks where my mind felt like it was overwhelmed on overdrive as I processed all the things I was realizing were in my heart; how they got there and how they'd already affected relationships. There was the night I was a complete emotional wreckage. Thank goodness for friends who listen to you even when you can't formulate a sentence. Stir, stir, stir. Not fun.

You might be thinking, and I'm supposed to want the same? There's good news too.

God was doing something. He was stirring up the guilt, anger, greed and jealousy because He wanted continue the process of ridding me of them. Without realizing it, those emotions were occupying space. Which meant they were taking up the space of something else that could be there instead. Peace. Forgiveness. Freedom. Contentedness. Love. Joy. Gratitude.

One more thing to be aware of: We can be stirred, but never changed. The fine print: Being stirred doesn't guarantee being changed. God can take a book like this and stir up things in your life, not because He delights in making you uncomfortable, but because He delights in putting broken pieces back together. He delights in restoring relationships. He delights in seeing you realize the million dollar debt He's forgiven you of which enables you to turn around forgive the five dollar debt owed to you. He delights in seeing you become more like Him. He delights in continuing the completing work He began.

It's probably not fun for the coal to be under the intense pressure, but it is necessary if it's to become a diamond. Likewise, gold probably doesn't enjoy the heat of the refining fire, but that it what is needed to clear away all the impurities. There's pain in the process, but it's about the end result.

You can read this book (or any other book for that matter) but get too uncomfortable with the stirring (also known as refining) process, that you decide change is too hard. It's not the book that will change you (though it may help!). It's the posture of surrender towards a loving God that says, no matter how uncomfortable this gets, I'm going to let you have your way with me.

So, let's get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Ask Him to stir you, because that's often when God does some of His finest work.

And if you want some practice, read "Enemies of the Heart."

Learning to Walk: Be a Barney

I posted many months ago about what God was teaching me about Learning to Walk in my journey with Him. As promised, the series is indefinite and completely spontaneous, but here's a little bit of something resembling a part 2. My ideal self would have this organized like a chapter book but my real self is gluing together an abstract collage, in no particular order. 

I was listening to a devotional on a rare solo and quiet drive the other day. The verse and insights the author shared stirred my heart. The Lord spoke these to Joshua as he was about to lead the Israelites to the promised land in Joshua 1:9 and He was also speaking to me about learning to walk, or better yet, what I'm to do while walking. 

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

The author pointed out that fear and discouragement are two of the biggest challenges we face in our spiritual journey. To discourage is to cause someone to lose confidence, hope, spirit, enthusiasm whereas to encourage someone, is to inspire confidence, hope, spirit and enthusiasm. 

Imagine you're learning to run. It's awkward looking because you've never done it before. Someone comes alongside you and says, you're doing it wrong. That's not how you're supposed to run. Why would you run like that? Look at all the people around you. Run like them. I don't understand why this is so difficult. 

To say you would feel discouraged would be generous. I'd go with deflated. 

But imagine, you're learning to run. It's awkward looking because you've never done it before. Someone comes up beside you and asks how're you doing. They say, I started out just like you. Along the way, I've learned to focus on lifting up my feet instead of pounding on my steps. It decreases the impact on my lower joints. If I keep my arms slightly bent at a ninety degree angle and don't cross the mid-line of my body, I save energy. When I bend slightly forward at the waist, I can use gravity to my favor. They slap you on the back and press on.   

God pointed out that He has called me to be an encourager, an infuser of courage, not a highlighter of error. On any journey, whether marriage, relationships, motherhood, walking with the Lord, we all need encouragement. We want if there's a better way and how to get there without feeling like a complete failure. That person learning to walk, they need to be infused with courage. They need to be assured of His love, reminded of His presence and that He is the great I Am.     

My little Boo is now learning to talk. Tonight I heard a mini kerfuffle before she ran into the room and said with wide eyes, "I made messy mummy!" Lately we've been working on cleaning up. She knows what to do. She wasn't coming to me so that I could tell her she'd made a mess and she shouldn't have. She knew what needed to be done but needed a bit of encouragement and wanted me with her. When we re-entered her room she, looked at me and said, "Meen-up?" Yes, I said. We are going to clean it up.

So today, as you walk, be a Barney (Barnabas means "one who encourages"). I'd be willing to bet you won't need to look far to find someone who needs to be in-couraged. 

Lord, work your grace deep into our hearts so that encouragement overflows. When people leave our presence, may they feel confident in your love for them and  your presence in their circumstance, hopeful about your work in their lives, and enthusiastic about the spiritual adventure that lay ahead. 

The Storm Before the Calm

Only 6 short weeks and 1 day ago, I was enjoying a good night's rest when I awoke at 6:00 AM to realize that I was in fact, not going to be pregnant forever and, there was a good chance I was going to be meeting my baby that same day. I headed downstairs to find a distraction from the pain. Organizing my pantry seemed like the best idea.

Around 7:30, my husband came downstairs. He looked at me and then the newly organized pantry and then back at me and suspiciously asked, "What are you doing?"

"Organizing the pantry." (Obviously. What else is there to do early on a Saturday morning when one is in labor?)

"Why?"

"Because I needed a distraction."

Then I started breathing through a contraction and simultaneously, a look of alarm went off in his eyes.

"So I should probably cancel my tee time?"

"Well, if this labor is faster than the first, you might still make it."

Within a couple of minutes, I was on the phone with the midwife and he was quickly cleaning the bathroom (the final pre-baby task).

The promised result of pushing
through the pain

There came a point when the contractions hit an intensity that cured my amnesia from the pain of my first delivery. I was thinking to myself, Oh my... I remember now. How am I going to get through this? As the memories of the pain that was on the horizon came flooding back, I paused and prayed, Oh God, please get me through what is coming. Thank you that you will.

Labor is the most physically painful thing I have ever experienced. I recall this one contraction that hit. I just started screaming and felt like smashing things Hulk style. It just felt right and there weren't many other options for expressing myself at that moment.

Our 9lb bundle of joy 

Then one of the midwives said, "Try not to scream" to which I chose to follow the, "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" rule. She continued. "If you scream, you won't have a voice to talk to your baby tomorrow and you're actually just wasting your energy. Instead try to bear down and use that energy to push."

I figured since it was only my second time, and she had been down this road a few more times than that, my best bet was to follow her advice. I also didn't want the whole lovely experience to last any longer than necessary. The next thing I remember is her saying, "Here's your baby." The pain that I thought would never end ended and I looked down to see my reward.

Beth Moore defined dread as assuming we won't have the grace we need for the moment. That morning I had a few moments of dread when the intensity of my pain increased before it quickly dawned on me that the increasing pain meant I was going to meet my baby soon. It wasn't going to last forever and there would be the most worthwhile "push present" ever.

The words of the midwife lingered in my mind for a while after. "You're just wasting your energy... instead... use it..." The reality dawned on me that screaming or choosing to "waste" my energy wouldn't shorten the painful process I was experiencing. Unfortunately, it would in fact lengthen it. It would be like floundering in the water when you know how to swim and have been told the finish line is close by. She was giving me instructions because she knew there was a better way.

There are alternatives to dread and  floundering I want you to consider and remember.

One happy big sister

Instead of dread, stretch forward. In faith, thank Him ahead of time for what He has promised to provide. After my dad passed away,  I remember dreading the holidays when the family would gather. I feared the giant void that would be there. However, I also remember saying, God, I trust that you will see us through. And He did. As I'm often still tempted to dread certain things or situations, I know God to be faithful and his different gifts of grace to be exactly what each challenge requires.

What are you tempted to dread today? It may not be pain, but maybe it's a finances, a relationship or lack of, or a difficult situation where you have already assumed you won't have what you need. Stretch forward in faith instead. This is Jesus we're talking about. He overcame DEATH. He can handle our present challenges!

Instead of floundering, push through. Take the advice of the One who knows a better way. We weren't made to or left to just flounder in the challenges of this life. God knows what we need. The existence of whatever challenges you face is not contingent on you choosing to trust and obey. The ability to get through in one piece is.

Getting acquainted

There is actually one thing I remember the midwife saying between the "stop screaming" and "here's your baby." She said, you can either wait for the next contraction or give another big push. The choice seemed obvious. I just remember yelling, "No, now!" Why anyone would want to wait for another minute of never-ending agonizing pain was beyond me.

I'm sure you would feel the same. Don't dread. Don't flounder. There's a better way. Grab onto th
e promises of God, stretch forward, and push through.

When you come face to face with your faith becoming sight, there is great joy!

My handsome little man. 7 days later the amnesia has
almost settled back in

The Greatest Gift

Today marks the 4 year anniversary of my dad's passing. Even though we remember him in a special way on this day, there's not a day that goes by where I don't think about him. He continues to impact my life in countless ways. As I reflect on what he left behind, there is always one thing that comes to mind- the great gift for which I am most thankful. 

I have only a few of possessions from my dad. A ring, annual pajamas, an obsolete discman I can't bring myself to get rid of, and an old spiritual journal of his that I cherish. I have few things I inherited from him- my love of basketball and my stubbornness, I'm sure among many other things. 

In the midst of all of those little "gifts," the one for which I'm most thankful is the fact that He always pointed me to the One who would always be there. 

I remember as a teenager, seeking out his advice. It always began with, "The Bible says..." Or, "Turn to...." Of course, I always sighed, probably disgruntled because I was usually looking for a quicker fix or his opinion but I rarely found it. He was always showing me the One who would always be there. I can't even pinpoint any times where he gave me his own personal advice on a matter, with the exception, of course, of the basketball court in which he was more than willing to lavish his expertise on me at any time!

He was an amazing dad and because of that, he was always needed and now, is consequently missed. 

But the One to whom he always pointed is still here. I can imagine he probably counted on being around longer than 61 years, but in that time, never missed an opportunity to point me toward Jesus Christ. 

In his absence is still God's presence, and because of that, I still have what I need. 

Now I'm both a child and a parent. As I ponder the task of trying to do the same for my own children, I of course desire to be the best mom I can be and do everything I can for their well-being. In the midst of that, I must remember that there is only one guarantee for them in this life, and it's not me. 

I must continually point those around me to Christ. I am, like my dad, a limited human being operating on the grace of God for a temporary amount of time. Life here is so short in the grand scheme of things. Those around me don't most need me. 

They most need and must depend on the Only One who can and will always be there, who has the answer to everything and knows what the future holds. He is our only guarantee. 

I'm thankful everyday for my wonderful dad and the time we had. I've extremely thankful that He taught me to look to God, who would be around even after he was not.   

Romans 8:38-39

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Learning to Walk

There have been countless moments of joy over the past year, watching my little girl transform from a newborn baby to a hilarious, personality filled, and toddling little sponge. One of the great privileges of being her mom has been watching her learn how to walk.

Who knew that so much could
change so quickly?

It’s amazing to think that in a just a short year, she’s gone from laying around sleeping, to rolling over, to sitting, to pulling herself up, to standing, to walking along furniture, to walking finally walking on her own. The year passed so quickly that it’s difficult to pinpoint when exactly change happened. I know for certain that I marvel at how far she’s come and how quickly she’s learned.

When she first showed an interest in standing, we thought for sure she’d skip crawling and go straight to walking. She loved to be on her feet, but she fooled us a bit. It ended up being quite a bit longer between when she looked as though she was ready, and when she truly was ready to take those first steps on her own. She spent a few months just standing, tightly gripping whatever would help her keep her balance as she was taking in the world from this new perspective. She would go back and forth between crawling, as if she felt it were the safer option than to risk falling.

I can just imagine her thinking, the
view from up here is way better!

As you well know, when a baby is learning to walk, isn’t without its share of stumbles. When Sophie took her first steps, she was very unstable. She would often rock from side to side and then often lose her balance in slow motion. She wasn’t a very graceful faller either as she often resembled a towering tree rather than a tumbling toddler. It was some time before she even learned to fall “properly” as in realized her knees could actually bend and her hands out to shield her head and face from taking the brunt of the fall.

I knew learning to walk was going to be a bit of a process, and of course, there was going to be some days of bad tumbles alongside the days of small victories. I can remember a few particularly bad falls. Many of them were followed by piercing screams of pain and a few days of sporting a nice bruise, scab or road rash somewhere on her face.  

As her mom, I knew that falling was a painful yet inevitable part of the journey of looking to walk. My hope was that the small tumbles didn’t cause any permanent damage and of course, didn't discourage her from getting back up and trying again. Each time she took a little tumble, her dad or I would lift her back to her feet, shorten the distance that needed to be traveled and encourage her like crazy to try again.

The day my friend said, I
would call that walking!
(Not that you can tell
from this picture!)

It’s funny that how a baby learns to walk is quite different than how we teach “grown-ups.”  I didn’t sit down with Sophie and explain to her the biomechanics of taking a right step, a left and then how to put them together while also considering the equilibrium of balancing and centre of gravity. I didn’t expect her to understand and implement those ridiculous and non-existent instructions immediately. She wasn’t going to fully understand the process before starting out. I simply watched for signs that she was ready, and then cheered her on as she braved the next step.

It’s easy for those who’ve been on a walk with God for a while to forget the challenges that accompany someone who is just learning. As you mature, walking becomes very natural and on an ordinary day, is not something that is likely to cause you to stumble.

We don’t remember what it was like to be 1 and how it felt to discover only by experience, the uneven ground that will easily trip you up, the center of gravity that is required to stay between your feet, or the difficulty of the simple task of putting one foot in front of the other.

Still hanging on, but not
willing to take a seat in
order to have a drink!

How foolish it would’ve been if Sophie’s stumbles were met with a lecture or a scolding about how she should have gotten it by now, or how it really wasn’t that complicated to walk, she should just do it. That approach wouldn’t help her get back on her feet and learn to do it any faster. Unfortunately, that can be the approach we take without realizing it when we're dealing with spiritual walking. 

My priority was that no matter how many times it took, that she would get back up and continue trying and making progress until she got it.

As I watched my precious girl learn to take her first steps, God was teaching me something about how He has called me to walk with those who are learning, whether they’re learning to walk by faith, walk in freedom, or walk alongside someone else. No matter what kind of walk, God desires to meet the various challenges with His unchanging truth coated in grace.

Walking. It sounds simple right? I'll let you in on a little not-so-rocket-science secret. Much of it has to do with keeping your eyes on the prize. 

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith..." (Hebrews 12:2)

I’m feeling like this may be the start of some sort of “series” but I don’t know how many parts it will have or how long between posts. I do know that God has changed the way that I walk over the past year and has given me a desire to share it. I tried to sit down and outline how many parts and titles, and then a couple of weeks had passed. I thought, I should just take my own advice and just make a little imperfect progress as I try to follow His lead.  

How Much Longer?

Last April, Mike and I participated in Step Out for Lupus where they offered a choice between a 5k run and a 3k walk. As I was aiming to prepare for the 8k ALS Run only 6 few weeks after, I decided this would be a good stepping stone and motivator, and of course for great cause and in support of a friend.

Nike has come up with this fantastic invention that magically communicates between your shoes and your iPhone, allowing you to track your distance, time and speed. Anytime you want to know where you’re at, you can just hit the home button, and it will immediately give you a mini progress report. With that information you can keep on, speed up, or slow down depending on your goal. I didn’t have this fabulous contraption on me that day. I had figured that the course would be marked out.

Being 18 weeks pregnant, I wasn’t trying to break any records, just get it done, preferably without walking or collapsing. I started off slow in order to pace myself and make sure I didn’t run out of gas before the end. As I was running, I started looking for signs so I could give myself a much needed pep talk about how far I’d come and how I was almost to the finish.

I kept running. No signs. Just more path. I approached someone who resembled the closest thing to an official race person. They were holding an arrow telling me that I was, at the very least, heading in the right direction. As I approached, I breathlessly asked, “Do you know how much longer?” They looked confused which confused me. Simple question, right? They shrugged and said, “You’re on the 5k route!” Thanks tips. 

Never mind, I’ll ask the next person. I continued running.

Not too long after, I saw another person holding an arrow, again telling me to keep going in the same general direction.

“Do you know how much longer?”

“You’re on the 5k route!” Shrug. Smile.

Wow, thanks. Does no one here know what’s going on?

By this point, our friend Dan had caught up to me. His goal was to “at least” keep up to the pregnant lady and that he did. We were getting a little weary and were trying to guesstimate how much longer. I knew that this day was probably particularly difficult for him so my focus shifted from my own fatigue to making sure he didn’t give into his.  

I managed to huff and puff a few words. You’re doing great. Hang in there. She’d be so proud of you right now. You can do this.

As we were both growing increasingly weary, unsure of how much of the journey was behind us, and how much we still had left, we continued to pace ourselves, slow and steady. We had just crossed the second bridge when I looked up and was surprised to see what looked like the finish line.

There was no containing my excitement. With the new knowledge that we were just about there, I picked up speed and challenged him to do the same. The realization that we were so close to the end gave me the extra surge I needed to finish well. We crossed the finish line and I couldn’t help but think, if only I’d know we were so close, maybe I could’ve run a little faster!

A couple of weeks after the run, I was feeling particularly tired. You may have experienced something similar. Not the tired that can be corrected with a night of good sleep but a weariness of the soul. I found myself asking God, how much longer?

This season of my life has brought more challenges that don’t seem to have a finish line in sight. I’m a doer. I like to have a start and a finish. But instead there are only arrows telling me to continue on this same path.

I found myself lying on the couch one Friday night having a very intense cry as the reality of the “marathon” likeness of life sunk in. When you’re used to a series of short distances, a marathon can be daunting. Parenting (though I absolutely adore it) has no real finish line. Each day has a start and a finish but I don’t get to check it off my to-do list. It’s going to a wonderful but long haul. A few friends of mine were facing some very intense hardships without a finish line in sight. Real life. Sometimes we can bear down and endure when we know we’re just about to the finish.  But what about when you’re growing weary and there's no end in sight?

I was suddenly very aware that I’d been trying to run on my own very limited and easily worn out strength. I’d been relying on my “reserves” and not going to the well of living water each day to get my fill. In trying to be a teacher, I’d forgotten to be a student. In trying to make sure everyone around me was getting what they needed, I’d forgotten to stay still long enough to let God nourish my soul. I was in the middle of a race, out of gas, and the finish line was no where in sight.

In the days and weeks that followed, God reminded me of His solution from Isaiah 40:28-32:

Do you not know?
    Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
    the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
    and his understanding no one can fathom.
²⁹ He gives strength to the weary
    and increases the power of the weak.
³⁰ Even youths grow tired and weary,
    and young men stumble and fall;
³¹ but those who hope in the Lord
    will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
    they will run and not grow weary,
    they will walk and not be faint.

I felt like he was saying, I know you’re tired, but you need to know that I’m not. I don’t get tired or weary and I will give you MY strength. If you hope in me, I will renew your strength so you can not just walk, but run and soar without becoming faint.

I thought back to the run I had recently completed. As per His usual, God was piecing together a nice lesson for me through these events.

1.       We need people to run alongside, but we also need those to run alongside us. It might sound the same but it’s not. I was growing tired in that race, but as soon as Dan came alongside me, my focus shifted from my tired legs to being a cheerleader. It didn't change the task that lay before me in the slightest but as I started to encourage him and think about what a challenge that day must have been for him, my course seemed to pale in comparison. God places people in our lives to pour into and walk alongside but it doesn't exempt us from needing someone to do the same for us. My pastor was preaching around the same time about making sure that you have those in your life that you’re pouring into, but also those who are pouring into you. Of course, God is the ultimate cup filler, but if you don’t have anyone who’s pouring into you- spiritually and emotionally, ask Him to send someone!  

2.       He has marked out my race and He has and IS what I need for the journey. He’s never surprised by what life brings my way. After all, He brings it my way! He knows what’s ahead, what I will need and how I might be tempted to get off course. In some seasons he gives me constant feedback, like my lovely Nike app, but in other seasons, He may choose to be quiet, possibly to exercise my faith. When I ask how much longer, He gives me is a little arrow which tells me keep going in this general direction and reminds me to make regular pit stops at His bottomless fueling station. I don't need to be able to see the finish line in order to run the race well. I just need Him. He has strength and understanding that will not run out, no matter how long the journey, that He is ready and willing to give it to me. Why not go?

3.       Running on my own strength always ends the same way. This one definitely isn't rocket science but for some reason, I keep having to learn it over and over again. I so badly want to run with perseverance the race marked out for me but I cannot do it on my own. But I suppose that’s the whole message of the gospel. I never can on my own. That’s why I need Jesus. In His death and resurrection He has provided for my every need. I’m continually made aware that I can’t. He can. I’m not. He is. I run out. He is always enough. I am weak. He is strong.

Weariness is something we all experience but there’s a couple of ways we deal with it. Sometimes we find a temporary fix, wallpaper it over and move on, never truly finding rest for our soul. There’s a much better alternative. Cry out to Jesus first. It is the only place you will truly find rest for your soul. That night during my uncontrollable cry, my poor hubby was trying to figure out what was wrong. I tried to explain that I wasn't even entirely sure yet! He offered to cancel his plans and stay home but as tempted as I was to take him up on that offer, I knew that what I first needed was a filling of the presence of God. Nothing else would truly satisfy my soul, but of course, I welcomed a hug!

Confess your need for Jesus. Believe that renewed strength comes from placing your hope in the Lord. Believe that He gives strength to the weak. Believe and trust that no matter how long or difficult the journey is that you’re on, He has the ability to make you soar.

Matthew 11:28-30

²⁸ ‘Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.’

Hebrews 12:1-2

“Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, ² fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith.